Finding Hope
by twilightsword00
Summary: Katniss left Peeta after the war now she's going back
1. Chapter 1

_**I don't own anything of the huger games, all belongs to Suzanne Collins. **_

_**Finding hope.**_

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Flashback;**_

The capital lays before me, burnt, smoking and laying in rubble. I'm sitting looking out the widow, the living room is surprisingly untouched, as is the rest of the tribute apartment. This is where they stuck me, after I made the decision to kill coin, she was becoming to dangerous. Just like Snow she wanted the games, the games that we thought so hard for to be rid of, she wanted them to show her power. Yeah she planned to use the capital children, but eventually she would have done the same, forced the other district to compete so she could keep up her control and power. That and she tried to kill Prim, no one tries that and survives.

Prim survive the bombing with slightly, major burns to small parts of her body. Peeta received the worst, he saved her, wrapped his body around her when I couldn't get to her, I always be thankful that he did that, but even so my mind is made up and now I just have to tell him.

The day wares on, and with every passing second I'm growing more and more nervous, but I now I have to do it, it's to painful and everything there reminds me of the dangers and horrors I went through. Suddenly I'm brought out of my thoughts by the sound of the elevator dinging open, and out steps Haymitch, Peeta close behind looking better than last time I saw him when he was covered in medic skin to help heal the burns. Neither of us speak, Haymitch leads him to the couch and sits him down.

"I'll leave you too alone." Haymitch says before leaving, going to a room furthest away, so we have privacy. He sifts uneasily on the couch, I already know the burns will be giving him problems, they did for me.

"Peeta I'm not coming back." I blurt out, because if I don't I won't say it. "there's too much back there, everything reminds me of what I've done, the people h because of my actions are dead. There's too many painful memory's." I know the next part will be the hardest. "There's nothing you can do or say that'll change my mind, because- because a lot of the memory's involve you, the things we were forced to do. I need a fresh start away from everything that reminds me of the games." I take a glance at him, to see tears have slowly made their way down his cheeks.

"Katniss-"

"No Peeta, I'm not changing my mind, I'm not telling you where I'm going and I don't want you to try to find me. That's the end of it, I'm leaving everything behind, apart from my family." I tell him forcefully, the next few minutes are spent with me looking out the widow, anywhere but at Peeta. Finally I heat him.

"OK." That's all he says, that gets my rage boiling and I want to turn and tell him to fight for us, but at the same time I don't. I'm not how long I stand there for, sorting through my feelings and thoughts but when I do finally turn I'm met with Haymitch not Peeta.

"Ahh, finally back from the dream land." he smirks at me, I look around for Peeta, Haymitch notices. "The boy left, well I took him out and back to the hospital. You really did a number on him with this one girl." Haymitch sighs. " But, I know, or at least can understand where your coming from, but you could have done it smother with the kid, considering."

Yeah, I know Haymitch is speaking the truth, I could have handled it better. I still haven't spoken and Haymitch seems to understand that, and that there's no changing my mind. Haymitch rises, comes over to me and kisses my cheek. Then comes something I never suspected.

"You've broke the boy and it's my job to try to put him back together, so listen, you've made your choice and while I understand it, I don't have to like it. The boy's been through too much, so if you start playing around and flashing it in front of him, I'll end you." that last parts makes my eye's go wide, understanding Haymitch just threatened to destroy me, and he knows that it doesn't involve killing me. "I love you Katniss, like a daughter, but you've got family to keep you together, friends, Peeta doesn't, he lost it all and he was counting on you, but I'll be there with him. The court decided that your free, they understand why coin had to go, found evidence that showed her plans for the future. Basically, she was going to pull a Snow." He backs away heading over to the elevator. "we'll be heading back to twelve in a couple of days." he leaves it at that. I know that he's giving me a chance to change my mind.

Next thing I know is that I'm there at the train station waiting in the shadows. I see them both, heading towards the train, Peeta he looks so sad so fragile, that all I want to do is run to him, to stay with him forever to keep the hurt away but something keeps my feet planted in the dark corner of the station. Haymitch helps Peeta onto the train, before looking behind and over the crowd of the station, I knows he's looking for me. When he doesn't see me, I cant tell he sighs before getting on the train. Like the cruel twist of fate, my feet become unstuck at that point and I find myself running forward, screaming Peeta's name, too late the train is already gone and with it my love. This was the worst day of my life.

_**End of flashback.**_

I awaken to screams, my own screams filling the room. That day was over 6 years ago and I still haven't got over it. Prim is by my side in a moment, taking the role of quieting me down, just like I did before the games. But it's not her arms I long for, nor her voice, I want the arms, the voice, the feeling of my boy with the bread, who made me feel safe, who kept the monsters away, who loved me unconditionally. The boy who I broke.

It takes a while for me to calm, and even longer so that prim will head back to her own bed, when she does I just stay there staring into the abyss, slowly I watch the sun rises one of the three times of the day I now hate, because they remind me of Peeta. Getting up I head into the kitchen and set the kettle on, mum will be home from the night shift at the hospital soon.

We live in four now, president Paylor made sure that we wouldn't be bothered by the media after we all left the capital, me, mum, Prim, Gale, Johanna, there a couple, Finnick and Annie. We all live in victor's village, all the victor's keeping to them selves, only prim and my mum really leave the village, mum to work at the hospital and Prim to go to the programme that will eventually let her become a doctor.

Just as the kettle pops, mum walks in.

"Morning Katniss, your up early, more nightmares"

"Yeah" I answer simple, she came back to us after the war, she's there for me now but there still take unease between us, slowly though, as I hug her I know we'll get over it.

"Do you want to talk about it."

"You already know what it's about."

"Peeta." she sighs. It's a conversation I've had with them all, and the same answer has come from everyone even Gale, call him. I haven't done that, I haven't even seen or heard anything from Haymitch or Peeta, that's been really hard to deal with, but my stubbornness won't allow me to do anything about it. " Katniss, I'm going to be blunt now, you've been mopping around for six years, and you've not moved on. Everyone can see that you love Peeta, only you are trying to convince yourself you're not. Why do you think Gale stopped trying to get with you. No one has any chance because your heart is in 12 with him. So I'm telling you now today, at some point you'll phone the capital and get his number, and you will phone him and make a date to see him. Understood!" her voice rising in the end that it makes me shrink, I haven't been told off like this since before dad died. It makes me relies just how much my mum has returned. The only thing I can do is nod like a kid.

The day pass by quickly, Prim already headed off to school while the others come round, my mum is asleep upstairs. It's while where all sitting around having lunch, that I tell them of my plan.

"I'm planning to call Paylor today." all their heads snap towards me.

"why?" Annie asks while holding her son, Dillon.

"I'm going to get Peeta's or Haymitch's phone number." I tell them, avoiding their eye's. Finally someone speaks, but it's the last person I expected it to be.

"Good it's about time, you've spent way too long mopping around when you should be with him." Gale speaks, from over Johanna's shoulder, she's sitting in his lap.

"What?" I ask totally shocked by his comment.

"Katniss, I've known for a long time your hearts been with breadboy in 12, it's just taken you forever to catch up with your feelings." he tells me and continues " Now instead of sitting here telling us your going to do it, go and actually do it. Now!" he tells me forcefully, he is a great friend.

With hope now, I go to the phone and call the capital. I only have to wait three rings before a chirpy voice answers.

"Hello, office of president Paylor, how my I help you."

"yeah, this is Katniss Everdeen I was wondering if president Paylor was available to speak?"

"I'm sorry Miss Everdeen, but I'm afraid the president isn't available until next week at some point, her schedule is over booked. Is there anything I could possible help you with?"

"Yes, can you give me the number for Peeta Mellark in district 12."

" I can try, please one moment." I can hear her typing away.

"err, Miss Everdeen, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but our records show that Mr Mellark died 4 years ago."

The phone drops out my hand and my world goes back as I fall, not hearing the shout of the others.

_**End of chapter.**_


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own anything of the hunger games, all belongs to Suzanne Collins.

Finding Hope

chapter 2

I awaken to the low sound of the train rolling over the tracks. Thud, thud, thud. Listening to the sound I try to will myself to fall back asleep, but the sound only reminds me of Peeta, of how I used to listen to his heart beat to lull me to sleep, and just like that the tears start to flow. I'm vaguely aware of Prim slipping into the train bed with me and holding me as the tears continue, sobs wracking my body.

After waking up in hospital, two days after the phone call they all demanded to know what happened. They didn't know, all I could do was sob uncontrollable, and between the sobs cry out that Peeta was dead. Again this shocked them all into silence, no one knowing what to say, there was nothing they could.

Now after a week of recovery, and begging we're all on the way to district 12. We're going to find out what they hell happened, why did Peeta die, I need to know before I kill Haymitch.

Waking up the next morning, tried and beyond depressed no one bother to ask how I'm doing, they all now that I'm broken, beyond repair. Sitting at the table I begin the daily routine of playing, moving and just pushing my food around the plate. I think the last time I had a real proper meal was the night before finding out.

"Katniss, you need to eat something, please." Prim begs me, I don't like upsetting her but I just can't bring myself to eat anything.

"I'm sorry Prim, I just don't feel like eating." I tell her sadly.

"Kat, you really do need to eat, you're becoming unhealthily thin, no one wants to see you like this." Annie tell me, the rest nodding in their agreement.

It's my mother who speaks next. "Katniss, you're going to sit there until you finish two plates of food, there'll be no heading of to your room or going to hide in a closest, you'll stay. Understand. And if you're not done by the time we reach home- I mean district 12, then we'll be staying on the train until it heads back to four." She says getting up and quickly kissing my cheek. It's a times like these I'm glad my mother came back, she keeps me healthy. "Primrose, you stay with your sister until she's done, then take her and if need be force her to have a shower, if you need help I'll be in my compartment going over a few things for 12's hospital." she gets up leaving, she took this opportunity, every one as horrible as this to bring some medical files and equipment to them, as well as orders for herbs and flowers that can be used for medical purposes.

After about an extra hour sitting at the dining table in the food cart I'm finally finished the two plates, although feeling slightly sick, I've got a full feeling something I haven't experienced since before the quell, when everything was sort of good. Heading back to my room, Primrose tailing behind I feel the need to speak, to get everything out, to cry, to shout, to be held by someone who loves me, though I know the one I want can't.

"Prim." I speak out shakily. "It's my fault, it's my fault he's gone, my fault, I should have been there for him, to hold him when the nightmares came, to bring him back when the flashbacks to over, but I kick him away, broke him and took everyone one that new to any degree what he went through. I left him to die." Prim comes over to me, my eyes already spilling tears. "I- let- him- die." I choke out between sobs.

"No, Katniss you didn't do anything wrong." that just sends anger through me, I don't need anyone telling me that I did no wrong, when I did do wrong.

"I KNOW I DID SOMETHING WRONG PRIM!" I shout infuriated. " I thought talking to you, you wouldn't try to sugar coat things. I took everything from Peeta, I left him only with Haymitch! I told him never to come looking for me, made him think that I didn't love him, that I'd be happy with a life without him, I was a fucking stupid bitch. Now he's dead, dead and gone forever and worst of all I'll never get to tell him I love him." finally breaking down into sobs that cause my whole body to shake violently.

It takes over an hour to finally calm down and for prim to help me in the shower and clean up. When finally we're down and she's helped me into new clean cloths, we hear over the speaker phone that we're two hours out from district 12. two hours away from me killing Haymitch, that bastard was supposed to look after Peeta not let him die. The rest of my journey is spent in silence, thinking of the call to Haymitch.

_**Flashback;**_

The phone's ringing, it's been three days since I found out Peeta's dead and I want answers. It's a rare moment for me, when the guilt and sorrow is replaced by anger and hatred. Finally after the sixth ring he answers.

"Hello."

"You bastard!" I shout immediately at him. "You were supposed to take car of him, to keep him safe!" I scream my voice breaking near the end.

" Calm down their sweetheart, don't start jumping the gun when yo have no idea what even happened!" He shouts back with equal force, maybe more."Shit happened, bad shit and I was the only one there to try to keep him sane through it all, you've no idea what either of use went through."

"I'll be coming to 12 Haymitch, and I want answers!" slamming the phone down before he hears my cries, his words cutting me deep.

I had gone to the rest of them, tears rolling down my face. "Where going to twelve, there's no stopping me, so either help or stay out of my way." I yelled at them all, not bothering to listen to their reply as I storm away up stairs slamming the door to my room.

_**End of flashback.**_

The train is pulling into twelve, everything is different. This is the first time I, or the rest of us have been back since before the war. From where we are you can see most of the new town, and the old seam which now looks better than ever, houses being about the same as the ones next to them. No longer is everything coated in a layer of coal dust, no longer is there a divide between seam and merchant, as fro where I am I can see children playing together, from what looks like seam and merchant families.

Looking around I spot the reason we're here, sitting next to a smallish women with long flowing light brown hair is Haymitch. I start my way over to him anger already boiling, just as I reach him the woman jumps up and hugs me.

"Katniss, it's so wonderful to see you again." Looking at the woman again I take all her in, it only dawning on me then that it's Effie. She looks amazingly beautiful without all the capital make up on. I hug her back momentarily forgetting the other person on the platform, but my eye's catch him over her back and the anger returns.

"YOU-" I start but am cut off by him placing his hand over my mouth.

"Shut up sweetheart, it's weird to see you, but we're not doing this here. Got It." he tells me with force behind his words. "We'll collect your stuff and head back to victor's village. Nodding we make our way over to the luggage collection and grab our bags following Haymitch back To the village.

The village it's self is lively, all house are occupied, including mine and Peeta's old victor's house. This causes the anger already in me to intensify. Getting into Haymitch's house, setting the bags down I march into the kitchen, where Haymitch made his way and try to smack him hard on the face, but he already sees this coming and simply grabs my hand stopping it from ever coming close to his face. Taking my wrist he forcible shoves me onto the already waiting kitchen chairs.

"Don't ever try to hit me again girl." he growls into my ear, scaring me slightly. This isn't the Haymitch I remember. "Your going to listen for once in your life and not talk. Any of you. Understand." We all nod, the others coming round to sit at the table as Effie announces she "put the kettle on."

He sighs deeply before looking at us.

"you all look good, well except you sweetheart, but then you never did look good after the quell."

"Haymitch-"

"I told you don't speak. Now as to the reason you all came here, well it's a long story, one that you guys are to blame for, some more than others. If you want me to continue, well I will but just be warned, you may not like the guilt that comes with it."

We all look at each other then back to Haymitch nodding all together signalling him to tell it.

"After we left Peeta, well Peeta was a mess didn't eat, didn't sleep,he kept himself locked in his house wasting away. I tried I really did, stopped drinking, went over everyday and tried to talk to the boy, tried to get him out but with the nightmares, flashbacks, it was impossible. He was broken, damaged, beyond any level of repair I could do, and we all know why." the last part was like a stab to the gut and sent my anger overboard.

"It wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything!" I yell.

"BINGO!, you didn't do a fucking thing, none of you did. No what you people did was to leave the only one that had suffered more than any, the one who the capital purposely aim for to break. You all left him, and me to deal with the media, did any of you even think, that running and hiding so that no one knew where you where how that would affect us, answer NO!." he rises out of his seat making his way to the kitchen sink. "Do you want to know what happened, they all came to twelve, begging, harassing Peeta to tell them where you'd all gone, to know why he wasn't allowed to go with you guys."

"He was!, All the victor's where offered the chance to leave, the only one's not to take the offer where you and Peeta, you can't blame Katniss for that!" Annie tells Haymitch, who in turn looks at me, a sad, hatred and disappointed smirk on his face.

"So, she didn't tell you?"

"Tell us..."

"That Peeta wasn't allowed to come, that she did want him, that she basically told him none of you did and your lives would be better off without him in it." At once all heads snap towards me, I can't look at any of them.

"Katniss, it isn't true." I can't speak, tears already falling.

"Oh believe me it's true, and that cut him the most, thinking that none of you cared any more, well he stopped seeing the point in life. Who could blame him, a girl he loves strings him along, people he thought where friends betrayed him, myself, and people he thought cared for him left, to what he thought was to have a life better off without him in it." he takes a big gulp of tea, Effie having handed everyone a cup. " For months they harassed Peeta wanting to know everything, and 6 months after he did the worst thing, he tried to kill himself." the words stop everyone dead and I'm vaguely aware of the fact I just dropped my cup, it falling and smashing over the floor.

"Yeah, that's what he tried to do, and not just once. He tried three times over the next six months to off himself." He takes a ragged breath. " That's when the decision was made."

my head snaps up and through the tears I ask "What decision?"

"The decision to make Peeta disappear, to give him the peace that he need. I was fine, I had Effie and you guys had each other, Peeta had no one. I wasn't exactly the right choice for the job of looking after him but I tried."

"So you just let him finally do it, and kill himself."

"No sweetheart, like I said the decision was made to fake his death and hide him, away from everyone and to let him have peace. After his third attempt we approached him with the idea, and he agree because of the training required for it." we all look at him.

"training?"

"Yes training, for the idea to work he had to become stronger, and he needed to be trained in how to hunt. Basically he had to become better than you or Gale ever where." again he breathed another long breath, tears falling out my eye's. " And do you know what, he did, he became better than you ever where. Over the months that he trained, we kept him in 13 under the story that the was healing, undergoing medical treatment. At the same time everything else was put into place, a house was built in an area deemed safe, security measures were put in place and a system made so that he could get monthly supplies and emergence ones if need. We also have a way of contacting each other." it's at this I stop him at.

"you mean had."

"no I mean I have a way of contacting the kid if needed. The story of his death, fake."

"WHAT!" I scream louder than ever before, the others shouting questions as well.

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT IT AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN!" Haymitch yells above everyone causing us all to become silent.

"the kid is alive and well, living very peacefully up north beyond 13, beyond all the district at a lake once call superior. I'll be heading out there with his six month supply in the next week, alone. Before you ask no, none of you are allowed to come, we spoke about this in length, me and the president it's considered that it wouldn't be healthy for Peeta to meet you people again. Could set of the flashbacks that we've all worked so hard for to keep under control."

"But I need to see him , to tell him-" he cuts me off.

"to tell him what, that you love him. Forgive me by I don't, and neither would the kid believe you, but saying that he did say if you guys ever did want to meet he'd see you one last time, so stay packed your going to meet Peeta next week." With that Haymitch leaves the room, one week, one week till I meet Peeta, I just hope it isn't for the last time.

The ride in the hover craft lasts 4 hours and when we do finally make it, we landed on a large open field on top of a cliff, large trees to the back of use, and there near the edge of the cliff lays a large log cabin, beautifully designed, but it's what stands in front of the door that catches my eye.

Peeta.


	3. Chapter 3

_**I don't own anything belonging to the hunger games, all belongs to Suzanne Collins.**_

_**Finding Hope.**_

_**Chapter 3.**_

There standing in front of the large cabin is Peeta. Tears begin to cloud my eye's, silently making their way down my cheeks. He's alive, he's really alive, living safe and sound, away from the dangers, horrors and memory's of what happened. I start walking forward only to be cut off by Haymitch.

"Wait here, I'm just going to have a small talk with him first." I nod understanding. He had told me that Peeta had changed and the Peeta I saw in front of me, he wasn't the one I remember.

_**Flashback;**_

Haymitch sits me down in his living room, I'm here all alone, the way he'd asked for.

"Now listen sweetheart, things have changed, between me, you and more specifically the boy." he sighs, I know this is going to be long and hard to hear. " the capital changed him, made him believe things that weren't true, but some, well some came true, in a way."

"what do you mean?"

"Well you know they placed false memory's in his head about you and gale." I nod, already hating where this is going. "Well some of those memory's were designed to be set off by certain triggers, like you leaving him. They said that they where hidden within his mind and well, look it was all technical and I wasn't really paying attention. I was more worried about the boy."  
"Haymitch, just tell me, please" I'm begging him know.

"The boy thinks, no believes that you left to be with Gale and, well..."

tears now freely running down my face. " Haymitch, please."

"Mmmmmrrrrrr, mmrrr, mmrrr" Haymitch just mumbles to me, causing anger to boil.

"Haymitch, tell me, now!"

"He thinks that you too are off living a happy life, that your married and have kids together or that was what he thought last time, it could have changed" that stops me dead in my tracks, that Peeta believes this, its destroying me, the only person I've ever dreamt about having kids with was Peeta, long ago. Haymitch letting out a long breath, that he'd been holding continues. "The fact that you left and I couldn't find you, well no one could convince him any differently. The boy didn't try to find you, you know he respected you enough to do what you asked." the guilt and shame felt like a knife in my chest getting twisted. Any hope that I had, had just been crushed. I want to ask why, but Haymitch already answers it for me. "You told him not to, and what ever part of him still loved you, you asked him to let it and you go, so he did. Not the easiest thing for him to do, but eventually he did, the false memory's overtaking their place." I'm openly sobbing now, realising that I destroyed my chance of happiness. Haymitch rises and comes over to me, wrapping me in a fatherly hug, I cling to him.

"I'm not saying you can't get him back, because honestly under it all I still think he loves you more than anything, all I'm saying you just won't be able to run into his arms. Also when you see him you my not recognise him, his appearance has changed as well." with that I just nod. This is going to be hard.

_**End of flashback.**_

Standing here I look around, all the other victors stand next to me watching the scene unfold between Haymitch and Peeta. I can hear it between them, they're trying to keep quiet but its not working.

"_Peeta, just listen to me, there here because they want to see,not because-"_

"_Haymitch, what the hell where you thinking bring them here. One; it's not safe, two; I don't want them here, especially those two, I don't what to have their perfect fucking life rubbed in my face. Now do the right thing and get them the fuck out of here." _Each word I hear is like a stab to the chest, this definitely isn't my Peeta. He doesn't even look like himself, apart from the eye's, those crystal clear blue eye's that I could get lost in for hours. The changes in him are striking, he's bigger than before in both height and size, muscles are clearly defined along his whole body, his hair having grown too, still golden but more unruly than even and also a golden beard that covers his face. I also note his clothing, hunters clothing, leather boots, jacket and trousers, all dark brown but with faded areas letting me know there well used. Also another striking feature is the bow on his back with a large set of arrows, the knife on his belt, all showing that this Peeta is infinitely more deadlier than the one I know.

"_Kid, let them talk to you, let them know your OK. Also their not together never have been, and we both know I stopped lying to you a long time ago."_

I see Peeta sigh heavily, his whole chest moving with it, he looks up and over Haymitch and his eye's my contact with mine. I smile the brightest I can trying to convey all the love I can, hoping that something in his feature's will tell me the same, I can tell though that he hides what ever he's feeling away within himself, I don't know which hurts more, that he doesn't think it's safe for us to be round him, the fact he thinks I'm with Gale or that I can't read him like I used to be able to more than likely it's the combination of the three.

"_Fine but at the first sign of trouble, from them or me you get the hell out of here. Understand."_ I see him nod, he fully understands, as do I, any hijack moments we all run, I'm not sure if we'd be able to stop this new Peeta.

Walking back over to us Haymitch looks slightly worried, happy and even more worried, this is going to be different.

"Alright listen, he's agreed to see you all under conditions one-"

"We know Haymitch we overheard. We run if he turns, we don't shout or antagonize him and this could be a one time thing." the last part whispered, so that trying to say it quietly won't make it true. As we begin walking over to him, I have to do everything in my power to stop myself from running and leaping into his arms. Standing here in front of him, old memory's resurface, ones that start to bring tears to my eye's but Peeta, where before would hold me to comfort me makes no move or shows any emotion of care towards me.

I take the first lead. "hi Peeta, it's great to see your alright." lame I know nut what exactly do you say to someone who you love but also crushed, and thought until recently. He says nothing, looking over us all like trying to decided how to kill us all quickly. Finally, after sucking in a deep gulp of air he speaks.

"it's, something to see you guys." He says coldly void of all emotion. " come on we'll go inside, the weather here can get really cold and it's close to winter." he tell us turning and walking away, back to his house. None of us say anything, we just walk with him Haymitch fallowing us, watching us, waiting for any sign of trouble.

Entering his house, the first thing I notice is the homey feeling that runs through me, something I've only ever truly felt with Peeta, after the first game. The hose it's self is elegantly designed, soft blues and whites, warm with an open fire already roaring that completes the feeling of a home, something that by looking at the other victors they feel it to. None of us have had this feeling for a long time and I'm a little jealous that Peeta's had this, stupid and damn right wrong considering the things I've put him through. Another thing I notice are the paintings, the walls are lined with them but none are of the time before he moved here, all show some memory he's made while staying here, away from me.

Peeta walks over to a large cupboard, taking his bow and arrow and storing them inside, walking next over to the kitchen area only pausing long enough to quickly ask if we want tea. Sitting down, there's a tense atmosphere to say the lest.

I get the nerve up to speak.

"Is this what it's going to be like, are we just going to sit and say nothing to each other?"

Peeta snaps his head to look at me. "Well, what the hell do you want me to say, it's fine, we're OK, I forgive you, well tough shit. We're not OK, it's not fine and I don't forgive you, to be honest I'm not sure why any of you are here. Six fucking years we've gone without talking or anything, so why try to change that now."

His words are painful to hear, to all of us but I know that I, not them deserve the treatment they didn't know what I did.

"Peeta, they didn't know what I asked you-"

"And you think that makes it OK!, What are you there fucking master, is it a case of yes or no because last time I checked they where still perfectly capable of making their own choices, they choose not to look or even find out how I was doing, but now you have I'm living happily away from everyone that ever hurt me, or caused me to get hurt." Anger boils in me and before I now it, I'm screaming at him.

"And you think I enjoy the fact that I know I caused you so much pain, that everything you've had to do was because of me, that even though I love you I still push you away and hurt you with everything I did. I came here because I wanted to say I was sorry, sorry for everything, sorry for hurting you, for leading you along, for lying, for not being there for you like you where for me, for being the biggest bitch alive and forcing you to leave and taking everything away from you. I'm sorry. Please, just please don't be me, don't forget me or push me away, please I- I- I can't survive without you any more." I'm vaguely aware that everyone has left the kitchen, only moving to the living room. This is between us two. "What I've been doing these last years, it's not living, it's not even surviving, it's drifting through life-like a broken shell, someone who half complete, who's not complete because they sent the one , they've imagined doing everything with away." I realise that I've cried, that I've spilled my guts out to Peeta, that I've told him I love him. My legs are shaking, my lip quivering, cheeks soaked with tears, I close my eyes turning away from him ready to run, when I'm shocked to my core, Peeta wraps his arms around me, drawing me into a loving hug that I've denied myself for six long years.

I turn into his arms, clutching his shirt, afraid that if I let go he'll leave and I'll lose him for good.

The hug is short-lived, Peeta pulls away pushing me as well. "I shouldn't have done that." he says taking steps back from me, each one breaking my heart.

"Peeta, please." I whisper, nothing louder could be said.

"No, this isn't right, I can't just forgive you, not again, not when I know you won't run away at the first sign of trouble, not when I know you've been with him." the last part he almost hisses at me.

"No! I haven't been with Gale, there's nothing between us, never will be, don't see things when they aren't there."

"Well I'm sorry if you can see everything so fucking clear, couldn't do that six fucking years ago could you, when I was broken beyond belief, you couldn't have given to fucks about me, you only care for your self. I bet the only reason your here is because of guilt, shame and the nightmares, what is it you want a good nights sleep, well I got something for you to try, it involves a blade and your wrist, that's how I managed to get a night sleep after everything."

"I'm not talking to you until you calm down and think reasonably." I say as I walk away, angry tears already making their way down my cheeks.

"Yip!, there's the Katniss that everyone know, selfish, hateful and only thinking of herself, glad to see you sweetheart." the pisses me off beyond measure, using the nickname Haymitch gave me. I walk over to him, raise my hand and try to bring it down across his cheek but it never happen, he catches it mid-flight.

"Don't! Ever! Try! To! Hit! Me!" he says forcibly shoving my hand away. "What you don't like the truth so you try to hit the person, the truth hurts, I know that better than anyone."

Finally all I feel is defeat. "why can't you- why can't we just try to move on, I know I fucked up but I'm trying to fix it, to make it right."

He snorts. "What did you think that you'd say I love you and what, that I'd fall back into your lying arms, that I'd forget everything I had to endure on my own. There is no quick fix, I don't even know if their is a fix for this. Something take time, and some are to badly damaged there gone."

Sobbing openly now I ask. "Which one are we?"

"To be honest I don't know." And with that he walks out the room, leaving me sobbing and into his room closing and locking the door.

I don't know how long I passed out for, after the first conversation with Peeta, but when I come to I can here hushed voices and I see from the widow is well into night.

"_You didn't need to be that rough with her."_

"_She needed to know, I needed to tell her, that was one of the steeps in the doc's plan, for me to at last admitted what it felt like to be broken by her."_

"_Can't you see she her to fix that, Christ she even admitted that she loved you, when the fuck has that happened before."_

"_it's not that simple Haymitch, a part of me what's to run out there, shake her awake and beg her for forgiveness, forgiveness for me being the biggest ass alive, then the other part reminds me of what she did, the truth is I can't take letting her into my life again only to have her leave, I'm not strong enough. If that happens then I will throw myself off the cliff."_

Hearing that It gives me a new bout of energy, I leap up, almost falling back from the sudden movement, making my way quickly over to his door I throw it open, looking straight at Haymitch, he gets the picture and leaves, me slamming the door. Round two begin.

" I know I fucked up, I know there no easy fix but I want the chance to fix it, I'm not running any more, you are. I already forgive you for what happened early today, I deserved it but I want to be with you only you, I want to live a life with you in it, doing everything together, house, marriage, kids, growing old. I want to stay with you forever, to hold you like you did for me when the pain gets too much, I love you and I want-" the next part of my, made up on the spot speech is lost to me as Peeta crushes his lips to mine, instantly I'm in heaven, the pure lust and passion between us is indescribable. We spend, god know who long kissing, our hands roaming over every inch of our clothed bodies before we pull away both looking dreamingly into each others eye's.

Peeta speaks first "We take it slow." is all he says, and I nod. Together, as one thought we make our way over to his bed, stripping down to our under cloths we get into bed and I nestle my way into his arms, both encircling me.

"Night, I love you." He doesn't say it back, it's to soon for him but he does kiss the back of my neck. I realise that I haven't been out, that our friends haven't spoken to Peeta but I can't brig myself to care, I'm hear in his arms, home and safe. I only notice the wisp of old, grey, blonde hair leaving the room as I slip into a hopeful filled dream.


	4. Chapter 4

_**I don't own anything belonging to the hunger games, all belongs to Suzanne Collins.**_

_**Finding Hope.**_

_**Chapter 4.**_

**Peeta's POV**

I awaken at the normal time, 5:30 am, hunting time. The days still dark, the weather cold, windy and snowing. Slowly I edge myself away from Katniss slowly rising. The cloths from last night lay scattered around the room, quietly I pick and place them back on, moving silently. My mind travels back in time, to when I could never do this without waking her. Slowly I make my way out the room, closing the door. Turning I spot the old man sitting by the fire, the others spread out on the floor and chairs. The only seat available is next to him, on the right, Effie to his left snuggled as close as possible. Sitting I wait for him to speak, it comes eventually.

"So, you and the girl back together or what?" He asks.

"To be honest I'm not sure, yeah we kissed, slept in the same bed but I told her we'd take it slow. I'm not sure about it, everything's replaying in my mind, how she left me, how she hurt me and I know I can't deal with that. Not again."

"Have you told her this?"

"Yes, she promised never to leave me, but the memory's are there to give me enough doubt not to do this. The memory's of the lies, the dishonesty, the secret games, I my be physically strong but emotionally, I'm about as strong as a twig." I finishes speaking not looking at Haymitch, instead looking deep into the flames.

"Your not, your stronger than most, the things that have happened to you well, we'll say that I and most would be dead." I get up, the vote of confidence means a lot to me, Haymitch stopped lie after the war, I could always count on him to give it to me straight, no bullshit. Making my way over to the closet I grab my bow and arrows, slinging them over my back, I check the knife before bidding a farewell to Haymitch and exiting out into the cold winter night, ready to hunt. I need to think, away from everything that reminds me of my past, the thing I've run from for 4 years.

**Katniss POV.**

Waking up the first thing I notice is my back, it's cold, well not cold, warm but not that hot loving warm I feel every time I'm pressed up against Peeta. I roll over to find him gone, all his cloths too and I freak out, did I do something wrong, does he not trust me, does he hate me, was it too fast, everything that happened last night felt so right but I can't help the feeling that maybe some part of it wasn't for Peeta. Leaping out of be and throwing on my trouser and t-shirt, I head out into the living room most are still asleep but not Haymitch, he sits sipping a cup of tea.

"_Haymitch!" _I shout whisper. His head snaps to mine, he didn't hear me clearly to deep in thought, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I nod motioning to the kitchen, he nods gently laying down Effie and making his way over to the kitchen. As we enter he closes the door, it slides out the frame I never noticed.

"Where's Peeta, did I do something wrong, is he OK, is he-" I get cut off from my rant, Haymitch just placed his hand over my mouth.

"Shut it, you'll wake them, as for the boy he went hunting like most mornings, he'll be back soon though, probably with dinner, and he'll be making breakfast, I ain't come here yet and not had his home-made breakfast, it's to die for." Haymitch state mockingly in a dreamy fashion.

"Why didn't he wake me, I could have gone with him."

"The boy is still dealing with real and fake memory's, some which hurt, the fake ones he's got a hang of, it's the real one's that are making it hard for him to believe everything."  
"But I told him I wouldn't leave."  
"Yes, he told me but he can not be led to the place where he remembers you running." He sighs " I really don't like being the go between guy for your and his romance trouble, but the way to convince him other wise is to show him, show him you'll be there when he needs you, that you're not letting your insecurities run your life. Then maybe then will he be in a place to truly love and be open with you, like he was before. Give him time, that's what he said he need, so give it to him but don't be afraid to push." I nod understanding what he means, it my make me sad but I understand and I'll do anything to get some sort of relationship with Peeta, anything.

Haymitch leaves heading back to the living room, it's still early, 7:15am but I stay and make myself some tea, I'll be waiting for Peeta to come back to his home. It's as I say this, his home that a thought and a realisation comes, but just them Peeta walks in.

My eye's shot up to meet his, he gives me a warm smile, small but it's there and it make my heart flutter.

"Hay, did you sleep well."

"Best sleep I've had in 6 years." I say sadly, knowing full well I caused it all anyway.

"I'm sorry I just left without saying or leaving a note, but I needed to go hunting, how do you like elk?"

"Elk?" I repeat, not having a clue what it is.

"yeah, elk it's like a bigger deer, I'm told years ago before the dark days, they where only in a small place near here but this place has been untouched for so long they've grown back. Taste quite nice too."

"I'd love to try some, dinner tonight."

"yeah, that be great." I smile maybe just maybe things will go alright.

Breakfast went down great, everyone talking, laughing, Peeta absolutely love Dillon, it just show me again he was meant to be a father, one day I hope it's my child that has him for a dad, he speaks and laughs with everyone prim, my mum, and all the other victor's but everything good has to end at some point and that time comes at the end.

"Peeta, we'll all be leaving tonight, around 4pm we'll need to get back to twelve." he nods but looks at me, I can't even look at him. I didn't realise we'd be leaving so soon.

"OK." a simple answer but it's the sound of the chair scrapping against the floor and his bedroom door slamming shut that makes me jump.

**Peeta's POV.**

I knew it, she wouldn't want to stay with me, back to twelve and the life she has back there, the family she has there. All these thoughts all the emotions that start running through my head, I know I need to get out of there, I can't bake there all still there, I need to run. Walking out the room I take a glance at them, worry etched on all their faces, grabbing my knife I ignore their cries for me to stop, I just take off running into the woods.

When finally I do stop running, I look around knowing exactly where I've come. The river lays in front of me, disappearing around a bend into the woods, the waterfall at one end flowing fast over the icicles that have formed nearly half way done the length of it.

This is the place I buried them, the remains of the ashes from the bakery. I always come here when I'm sad, when the memory's get too much. Sitting at a large rock I just stair, out into the water, I knew it was too good to be true the lies where always there I was just stupid enough to believe her, again.

"_Well Peeta you've only got yourself to blame."_

"_fuck you I thought she changed, what she said last night-"_

"_LIES, ALL OF IT LIES! You're a fool for even thinking that she could love you."_

"_Your lying, she could."_

"_Then why is she leaving?"_ the voice hiss at me.

The voice goes silent but the pounding headache doesn't ans I feel myself slip into the abyss, darkness filling everything, nothing will ever be good for me.

When I finally awaken I notice the sun has almost set, I'm covered in light layer of snow, I'm still pretty warm, the leathers having kept me dry. I know that judging by the sun it's well after 4 and it'll be safe to return home, the demon won't be released. I think back to just before I blacked out, that was the first time in a while that the voice has spoken to me, it still scars me to death or in this case to black out. I feel weak physically drained, knowing that I've got enough food for a while gives me a bit of happiness , it'll be a while before I'm back to myself. Walking back talks longer than usual, the journey painful, my whole body aches. Arriving back at the house I see no hovercraft in the opening, sighing I walk up to my house, opening the door, I just never expect to be crushed by a sobbing girl.

**Katniss' POV earlier. **

He just ran out, we tried to follow but he was to fast and Haymitch stopped us from going any further.

"He knows these woods better than any of us, he'll be fine, he just needs time." suddenly I'm very angry, everything had gone great, I was happy, Peeta was happy, we where happy together.

"Why did you say that, I promised that I wouldn't leave him!"

"WHY! you knew we'd have to leave, I told you that." I just storm away from him heading over to the forest, intent on going in to find him but Haymitch doesn't let me.

"I told you not to go in their, we don't know the state of the boy and as I said these are his woods not yours, you'll be lost before you get within a hundred feet of him, the best thing to do is for us to be gone by the time he gets back." he says it with such finality that I don't argue, I just slowly walk back to the house, rims arm around me as the tears finally make there why onto my cheeks.

It only take 30 minutes for them to pack everything, 30 minutes for me to make a big but easy and I know right decision. Walking out the front door I follow them al the way but when they board the hovercraft I don't, remaining outside. Haymitch and the rest stop.

"Lets go sweetheart." it's prim who answers for me.

"Your not coming with us are you?"  
"No, I'm staying." I tell them, the look I give them is one that cause Haymitch to sigh happily, he knows I'm not changing my mind.

Walking down the ramp he pulls me into a hug.

"Good luck Katniss, I hope everything goes alright. After everything you and him have been through, you deserve happiness. Remember stay alive." with those last words he hugs me, I know I'll see him again just not for a while. Prim and my other are next.

"Where moving back to twelve, to help with the hospital, and it's home. Yours is here I, we can all see that." mother tells me, the rest nodding in agreement. Prim hugs me, telling me to call her, and that they'll always be a home in twelve for me and Peeta. I simple tell her that my home will always be with Peeta. The rest hug me, even Johanna get tears in here eye's.

"Your my sister brainless, don't go dying on me or I'll kill you" this makes us both cry laugh with each other, me and Johanna had grown close over the years, each haunted by the nightmares of our past, while she was made whole with Gale I was incomplete until now.

Finnick and Annie both hug me telling me that they're staying in four but that I'm to visit with Peeta very soon. Little Dillon get really sad, shouting for me to stay, I just tell him that I'll be gone for a while but I'll see him again. He hugs me then crawls back to his mum. Gale is last to speak, he hugs me before whispering.

"_Good luck Katniss, you deserve this, you need it. I my not have been the biggest supporter of bread boy but he's good for you, and you can hunt together, just don't forget about all of us." _ he finishes letting me go, in all ways. "Goodbye Catnip." he tells me, before walking back over to Johanna, as the ramp closes and the hovercraft takes off heading back to twelve, now I just need to wait for Peeta.

I wait all day for him to come back, by sunset I'm starting to get worried but just as I contemplate phoning Haymitch, the door opens and in steps Peeta. He doesn't notice me until I fling myself into his arms, crushing him as hard as I can, never wanting to let him go. The tear reappear as I hold him.

"Your here." he says, the voice clearly tells me he didn't expect it.

"I told you Peeta, I'm here to stay as long as you want me, hopefully forever." I tell him pulling away slightly to look at him in the eye's.

"Then I want you with me forever." he tells me and we both seal the deal with a kiss using all the love we both can muster.

At night in bed together I lay with him, his arms around me, mine around him, both not letting go any time soon.

"I love you Peeta." I don't expect him to say it back but he always surprises me.

"I love you to Katniss, stay with me."  
it's my turn to answer the way he always did.

"Always." I answer him before we both drift of into the best sleep of our lives, finally having found my love, my home, my boy with the bread, my hope.

**A/N: this isn't the end, although there my be a bit of a delay between the next chapter while I figure out where to take it. I've got an idea I just need to make sure it'll be alright and fit in. if you have any ideas I'd love to hear them, so until next time bye-bye, and thanks for reading and the reviews.**


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